The Purpose of Compliments

or: a lesson for my one-day-younger self

I don’t like compliments. Receiving one means that someone noticed something about me. Noticing something takes thought and observation, and I don’t want people thinking about or observing me. It feels as though I’m being watched, which in turn makes me uncomfortable.

There’s also the fact that I don’t believe most compliments. Instead of smiling, saying “thank you!” and moving on, I feel the need to explain how the complimenter’s compliment is incorrect. This prevents them from getting the false impression that I’m smart, or brave, or confident. If they have that image of me, they’ll be disappointed when I fail to reach it.

Pretty twisted logic, right? But in my mind, compliments are all misunderstandings, or worse, pretty lies. I’ve never understood the point of them… until today.

The purpose of a compliment is to encourage someone. This can be in the moment that you give them that compliment. It can also be later on, when they’re struggling with whatever you complimented them on.

Let me explain how I reached this conclusion.

Yesterday, someone I know called my actions “admirable”.

For context, I’d messed up. Later, I told the necessary people about it. I didn’t need to tell them, and if I hadn’t, they would’ve never known. The complimenter was one of the people I'd told about my mistake. Apparently, she's of the opinion that owning up to your failures is admirable.

My initial reaction to this compliment was “Well, it would’ve been more admirable to not mess up at all.”

Fast forward to today. I messed up again (albeit in a lesser way). Like the last time, I struggled with the decision to tell the necessary person. Like the last time, I could’ve kept silent with no one the wiser.

But then I heard a voice. “It’s admirable to admit your mistakes.” My conscience had turned into the complimenter from yesterday. How admirable would it be to not admit to this lesser fault after I'd already admitted to a greater one? I couldn't ignore the voice.

Now, most people don’t fear receiving compliments like I do, but you also don’t use them as well as you should be. Compliments shouldn't be deflected in the fear of proving people wrong. Compliments shouldn't be accepted in the moment and then forgotten either. Instead, we should strive to fulfill what others have already seen in us. We take the encouragement and use it as fuel for the challenges ahead.

For my part, I’ll try to smile, say “thank you!” and move on more often, if only because I don’t have time to write an article every time someone gives me a compliment.